I’m not an animal lover. In fact, I never acquired pets until last year. I was given a choice: Let two kittens die, take them to the pound to be euthanized, or adopt them. Since I’d spent all of 2013 dancing with death, I adopted the cats. They were about seven months old, so the…
No reservoir of goodwill
September 21, 2015
I have the flu, so tonight’s post will be short. It’s about how the concept of creating a reservoir of goodwill no longer exists. When I was a young man, the way things worked was that you met people, interacted with them, and collected all the good experiences you had with them. If one day…
Life in a portal city
July 30, 2015
I live in a portal city. By that I mean it’s a portal to hell. My brother Tim and I are the only humans left. Everyone else has become…other. The people across the street have four adult daughters. They’re like the Kardashians, except morbidly obese. The mother must be fused to the sofa by now….
The science is settled
July 4, 2014
As far back as I can remember, I was puzzled by how noisy people were. Being someone who cherishes peace and quiet, I felt completely separated from so many members of my species. And now the science is settled: All that noise is designed to distract the noisemaker from what’s going on in his or…
Hey. What’s the game?
June 22, 2014
In July of 2011, my neighbor came close to dying. He’s a morbidly obese man whose wife hasn’t been out of the house in five years. The last time we saw her, she was walking down the sidewalk to the ice-cream truck. Her stomach was like a frozen waterfall, hanging down past her knees. She…
The Golden State!
November 13, 2013
If by “golden” you mean “overrun with self-obsessed hogs,” then I agree with you. Tomorrow the garbage is picked up. I have to put out my garbage cans. Every Wednesday night, my neighbor parks his enormous, stygian, rumbling, three-mile-per-gallon, penis-substitute truck exactly in the center of the space between my driveway and Tim’s. This means…
Priorities
October 21, 2013
A few minutes ago, my neighbors’ incessantly barking dog came into my yard and attacked me. This is the fourth time it’s done that. I was on my way to Mom’s house to give Tim the specs for the cover of Hallucinabulia: the Dream Diary of an Unintended Solitarian. It should be ready soon. Today…