Thomas Wictor

Physically, I’m far from attractive. But I would never let someone take a knife to my face or inject it with stuff to make it smoother and more “youthful.” For one thing pillowfaces just look weird, not young. My livelihood doesn’t depend on my looks. If it did I certainly wouldn’t ruin my appearance the way so many American entertainers have. The worst is when they give themselves Crawface.

I saw this photo yesterday.

To my shock I discovered that this woman is thirty-two-year-old Britney Spears. She bears absolutely no resemblance to the Britney who was once a pop tart. After a bit of searching, I found a closeup.

It’s simply no longer the same face. Her forehead is Botoxed, she’s had fillers pumped into her cheeks, and she’s had a chin implant. Despite all the work, she looks much older than thirty-two.

Non-American entertainers aren’t as susceptible to the lure of cosmetic surgery. Asia Argento is thirty-eight.

Stompy boots, red lipstick, black fingernail polish, jeans, and an aura of sadness. You can’t get any hotter. Yet by conventional standards, she’s quite homely. I don’t think so, and neither do Europeans, but most Americans would find her unappealing.

Idiots.

Or how about Marion Cotillard, who’s also thirty-eight?

That’s a real face. What makes it beautiful? I couldn’t tell you. But it’s a face I could look at all night. I imagine us in conversation at a jazz club. That’s a face full of character. Like Argento, Cotillard seems melancholy. I find that attractive. Not glamorous; there’s no glamor in sorrow. But those who’ve known sadness are often kinder and more insightful than those who haven’t.

And of course there’s the magnificent Naomi Watts, my ideal.

Remember, we’re just talking appearance. I don’t know a thing about her as a person. Nor do I care to. I just like the fact that she’s forty-five years old and hasn’t ruined her face. No Botox for her. Here she is earlier in 2014. Watch her forehead.

Britney Spears is currently in the pillowface phase. The next step is the dreaded Crawface, which is where so many young American entertainers end up. I named it after Joan Crawford, seen here in Straight-Jacket.

At the time Crawford was sixty years old. Today we see actresses still in their twenties who’ve achieved Crawface. The most high-profile victim is Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan is twenty-seven. I never understood the notion that getting blatantly obvious plastic surgery would boost your career. Has it ever? It seems to me that as soon as entertainers mess up their faces, their job offers dry up. Lohan was once a brilliant comedienne. Mean Girls is exceptional.

Megan Fox is another actress who suffers from Crawface.

Fox is also twenty-seven. Unlike Lohan, Fox can’t act. She’s also an obnoxious loudmouth who made the brilliant decision to trash the audiences she wanted to see her stupid movies.

“You’re all a bunch of ignorant rednecks. Now give me your money.”

For some reason the people she insulted chose to not give her their money, and her career went up in a puff of smoke. Who’da thunk it?

A few male entertainers have afflicted themselves with Crawface. One is Sylvester Stallone.

Sylvester’s brother Frank looks fine to me.

For whatever reason Frank chose to avoid tinkering. Is he a hideous monster, or is he a fit, good-looking, middle-aged man with a gray beard?

Another male(?) Crawface sufferer is something called Carrot Top.

For a while Carrot Top had the physique of the Incredible Hulk, to which was added deltoid implants.

I never understood the combination of Crawface and gigantic muscles. To me, it would be like buying a Jaguar XF and fitting it with a bale lifter.

Everyone is free to do whatever they want with their faces. Still, I wonder what people think when they look in the mirror? What do they see? Here’s a photo taken earlier this year. It shows thirty-four-year-old Kate Hudson and forty-five-year-old Naomi Watts.

Hudson is well into an advanced case of Crawface. Watts, on the other hand, is a beautiful, mature woman. I wouldn’t mistake her for a girl, but I’m not attracted to girls. I like women.

A man once said to me, “I know I’m getting old, because high-school girls don’t look at me anymore.”

I didn’t say to him, “You’re still looking at high-school girls?”

We’re all going home, where we’re loved no matter how we look. So stop worrying.